Does it affect relationships?

Immediately after the surgery the mother will either feel relieved that it is over - or she will have begun to realise the implications of what she has done.

If there is realisation she may be somewhere between upset to hysterical.

She may also be in pain and be suffering from the anaesthetic. Sooner or later she will grieve.

This may have already started or may start as long as 20 years after the event. This grieving is natural, for she is a mother and her baby is dead. She will cry and her partner will attempt to comfort her. But how can he comfort her? Can he replace the child now lost forever? He could give her a kiss and a cuddle, but that will not stop her from crying. He will look on in total frustration as he feels powerless to provide any real help.

The changes will be seen as she withdraws from all unnecessary communication and concentrates on living in her own world within her mind. She may not know why this is happening. But her partner will know the symptoms, and will watch those special qualities, the ones that helped him to fall in love with her, being replaced with the ugly symptoms of post abortion syndrome.

If he was not strong enough to offer her the support she needed in something natural, her pregnancy, how can he possibly be strong enough to help her work through this enormously difficult period in her life?

When a man is the father of a baby to be killed by abortion it will have some psychological effect on him as well as the mother.

Broadly speaking the mother will probably fit into one of these two groups:

• Women who have had their hearts hardened through bad experiences in life. They have missed out on genuine love and respect at some crucial stage in their life. These women find it difficult to show love to an unseen baby when they themselves feel deprived of the love and respect they, like all of us, need in life.
  

• Women who have been fed false and misleading information that leads them to believe that abortion is right in some circumstances. These women are most likely inwardly doubting the correctness of their decision to abort and only need some love, support and encouragement to find a reason not to kill their baby.

If the mother fits into the second group then the man is lucky to be sharing his life with a woman not hardened by life’s experiences. However, she is the type most likely to be greatly affected by the death of her baby. Is the experience of killing her own baby going to be the ‘hardener’ that changes her life and his too?

It is quite common for the abortion decision to remain a secret not to be discussed with any outsiders, often not even between the couple. This inability for the man to express his true feelings with the mother of his child, his family, or close friends, can bring about profound psychological effects.

Many men report feelings of depression, frustration, emptiness and guilt. All of this stress takes its toll on the relationship. Some men interpret the woman’s decision to abort as a rejection of him, and the undeniable physical manifestation of their relationship, their unborn child.

These feelings of rejection result in any of a number of sexual problems ranging from impotence to promiscuity. Many times the guilt, anxiety and remorse are too painful, and the only solution seems to be the termination of the relationship.

In one case where an unmarried couple found that they were expecting a child, the woman convinced the man that the most convenient solution would be an abortion. He was very reluctant, but after much persuasion he accepted. This couple later married and had two children. The woman maintained that her husband had not been the same since the abortion. He was indifferent to sexual relations, verbally abusive to her, and physically abusive with their children. He refused to enter into therapy. They are considering divorce.